Going back to my early teenage years, if someone were to hand me a canvas pad, two tubes of paint (in any color), some brushes, and were to say to me “create something with this!” It would not be long before they were handed 20 creative versions of applying two colors—20 paintings completed in a single day. I was fearless with the medium. Fear of making mistakes was not in my creative vocabulary at that time neither was the concern of running out of supplies. If I ran out of paint and canvas, there was pencil and paper, if I ran out of paper there was the side of a card board box. And, if I was unfortunate enough to not even have access to that, I took a stick to sand and drew.
For the past 10 years, 99% of my work has been created by drawing on the computer. My process for creating involves sketching an idea, scanning the sketch into the computer, and then constructing, painting and eventually adjusting color, etc. with my computer until the image is just right. My mental focus rarely allowed me to take the image beyond the sketch stage to a fully rendered drawing. The enemy, through my years of depression, tried his hardest to convince me to drop drawing altogether. “You can no longer do it!” “Stop trying, it’s gone!” is what I would hear. Again, it was not always been like this. I drew competently throughout my teenage years and during my college years. However, today it feels near impossible to create art as I once did. Decades of panic, fear, worry, and all the other demons that accompany depression produced this.
The creation of many of these pieces emerged under the most stressful conditions. There were times when anxiety, for no reason at all, seemed to creep in, desperately trying to stop my progress. Over the years I’ve learned to press through it and get the job done. As bad as my anxiety may have gotten while creating art this way, most of the time I can still push through it to completion.
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About 18 months ago, a Michael’s arts and crafts store opened a couple of blocks away from where I live. When it did, I was so happy I probably did the Carlton dance (from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air). ‘God, you’ve sent me a store!” is what I would say. For months, sometimes as many as three times a week, I would go there and just walk around, hold the canvasses, examine the tubes of paint, touch the charcoal pencils, and then leave. I did not purchase anything for quite some time; I was not ready for that yet. My visits to the store then went from browsing to purchasing supplies: a couple of sketch pads on this day, some charcoal sticks on that day…this pattern too went on for a few months. I was simply stockpiling supplies. I still hadn’t built up the courage to use them. Over the summer (of 2010) I was ready to push to the next step: to draw. I AM GOING TO DEFEAT THIS THING!! I was determined. Living close to Central Park had also been a blessing. On the days I decided to draw I would take my equipment – a fold out chair, drawing board, pad, and art bin of drawing supplies - and set out to find the perfect spot. The artworks below are the ones that survived not being thrown in the trash (after some frustrating days).
The creation of these artworks took place in the summer of 2010.
