I found this drawing in one of my old sketchbooks. It was an expression of how I felt at the time. It was as if I was running around and around a mountain trying to get off but making the same mistakes over and over again. I had been attending church for some years, claiming to want the things of God. Each time I thought that God was not looking, that God was not paying attention to me—so I believed, I was off again doing my own thing only to realize later that I had made another trip around that mountain. Today I look back and clearly see that I preferred to have a God of my own making. I did not want a God having absolute control over my life; yet, I wanted healing. I did not wish to submit to His will; yet, I wanted freedom from the bondage that I was in. I wanted a relationship with God that cost me nothing. As a result, God left me to continue running laps around this mountain. So, around and around I went until I collapsed under the weight of my own stubbornness. Why so many years of bad luck? Why this perpetual black cloud? I began to realize that there was a force greater than me blocking my every self-directed move. What I had believed to be the work of the devil was actually was the hand of God. It is God!
Over the years I have received numerous lashes from His rod. By His grace I have come to see that it was not a punishing Father at work, but a gracious One. His chastening opened my eyes to my sin and it led to my repentance and turned me away from my sinful and destructive course. It led to my conversion. He gave me grace to see His power to weave the good and the bad, the large and the small together for His purpose. The Lord was no longer a superficial being that I could take and leave according to my feelings. He broke into my life and made it quite clear that He is here and very real. Coming to this understanding, seized me with a Holy fear. The fear of the Lord is a fear that comes from knowing that I am under the watchful eye of a punishing and loving Father.
During this time, the Lord, through His word, revealed that my source of employment was not pleasing to Him; so, I walked away from it. Through His word, I was brought under conviction that for seven years I was living in an adulterous relationship. I tried to fight this conviction but eventually walked away from the relationship. With no home and no job, I ended up on my mother’s living room floor broke and broken. I remember sitting on the floor saying, “Ok, God, now what?”
“Do portraits!” is what I heard. I can’t say that this was something that I heard audibly, but it was a sudden awareness that seized my head and heart after asking the question. Then I thought, “How can I create if I can no longer draw? How can I do portraits if I’m struggling to draw? These thoughts invaded my head for a few days. After relinquishing them, I was hit with the reality that I had no portrait portfolio to show potential clients.
During the summer of 2012, I walked through my mother’s neighborhood, my old neighborhood, and went to a number of businesses offering to do portraits of the workers, their family members, etc. I told everyone to pay me what he/she could. Some paid a few dollars, others were more. This was a most humbling experience.
_________________________________
As mentioned in the writings above, I struggled with depression from my
teenage years until the age of 40—over two decades. Had I known then what I
know now, I would have saved myself many years of needless torment. Some
studies show depression to be the result of a chemical imbalance in a person.
Other studies show it to be genetic. I don’t know what percentage of depression
is chemical or what percentage is genetic in nature. What I do know is this: He
who has created this universe, the One who has given life to you and me, and
every minuscule particle that comprises life, is also sovereign over chemicals
and genetics. It is all under His control!
During this time, whenever I encountered people
who said anything religious to me, I would become so angry—especially if they
said something like, “Jesus loves you!” or “God loves you!” I would think to
myself, and sometimes even say out loud, “If God loves me so much, why would He
put me through such pain? What kind of God just looks on and watches His
creation suffer?” Today I have come to learn that even in one’s affliction, God
shows love. As strange as this may sound, this is something that, by His grace,
I have come to learn and understand.
The Word of God is what we, as natural men in
our fallen spiritual condition, hate. We—if we believe the Bible—are haters of
light, in spite of what we may profess. If… well, let’s say I was never
afflicted with depression. Let’s say all the years of my life thus far were
smooth sailing, with all things going just the way I wanted them to. The Word
of God declares that I would still be a hater of God.
Now add to that sinful nature the anger, rage,
wicked thoughts, selfishness, and all the other dark emotions that depression
amplifies. How much more would I hate the Word of God then? How much more would
I resent it? And yet the Word of God is the very thing that the afflicted—all
of mankind—need to be freed from the corruption of sin. His Word is the
medicine that heals all ailments and brings us back into a right relationship
with our Creator.
The Word of God humbles the proud heart of
man. It lowers mankind and exalts Christ. It pulls us off the throne of God and
elevates Him to His rightful place: Ruler over all things in our life. This
opposes every proud fiber of our sinful being. It is the medicine that
heals—and the very thing the desperately sick, natural man hates most. When
God’s Word convicts our hearts, can we be humbled before it? When His Word
exposes our selfish, self-centered, proud, and hateful ways, can we be lowered
in the face of it? God’s Word says, “He resists the proud, but gives grace to
the humble.”
If you’re struggling with depression and have
made it this far in reading this, please keep in mind that I was once where you
are. Moreover, during most of my 20 years of depression, I hated the true Word
of God. I’m sure you don’t wish to continue making fruitless trips around that
mountain. Go to God’s Word, and when it convicts your heart, DON’T RUN FROM IT!
Submit before Him, repent, turn to God, and He will heal you.
I wish you God’s healing, saving grace, and
abundant blessings.
